1 00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:32,700 Good evening. It's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:36,920 in a packed program tonight, we ask the question, Prince Rainier of Monaco, has 3 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:37,920 he fallen from grace? 4 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:45,680 We also consider the question, what should Scotsmen on winter sports 5 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:47,140 wear under their kilts? 6 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,160 And the answer is skis. 7 00:00:50,620 --> 00:00:55,080 Which sounds very painful. Also, also in the show tonight, we were to have had 8 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,100 the dance group, the Five Foolish Virgins. 9 00:00:58,220 --> 00:01:01,840 Unfortunately, however, during rehearsals, we found out that two of 10 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:02,840 really quite clever. 11 00:01:08,970 --> 00:01:10,630 And the other three were down with Luke. 12 00:01:12,370 --> 00:01:13,670 But first, the news. 13 00:01:13,950 --> 00:01:18,390 The government have announced new plans to economise on MPs' expenses. 14 00:01:18,810 --> 00:01:21,150 All MPs will be provided with transport. 15 00:01:21,550 --> 00:01:25,990 Tory MPs will get chauffeur -driven cars, and the Labour MPs will be the 16 00:01:25,990 --> 00:01:26,990 chauffeurs. 17 00:01:32,170 --> 00:01:36,610 Yes. When floodwater filled the festival hall last night, singer Elizabeth 18 00:01:36,610 --> 00:01:40,310 Schwarzkopf... escaped by floating through the doors on a wooden bench. 19 00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:42,870 She was accompanied by Gerald Moore on the piano. 20 00:01:46,310 --> 00:01:51,910 And there's a sensational new plan to save money on the Channel Tunnel. It'll 21 00:01:51,910 --> 00:01:54,790 filled with water and you'll go through on the cross -channel ferry. 22 00:02:00,030 --> 00:02:05,110 Nearer home, at a Sussex chicken farm today, 5 ,000 hens were laid off due to 23 00:02:05,110 --> 00:02:06,110 unofficial stoppage. 24 00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:12,020 While at a neighbouring farm, 3 ,000 eggs came out in sympathy. 25 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,060 Which brings us to politics. 26 00:02:16,820 --> 00:02:21,900 Conservative Central Office announced today we will publish a manifesto that 27 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:24,700 will get us 5 million votes at the next election. 28 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,600 It's the Liberal Manifesto. 29 00:02:28,540 --> 00:02:32,880 And at today's most exciting point to point, Raquel Welsh came a close second. 30 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:39,460 And later, two witch doctors, each claiming to be the world's champion at 31 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:41,680 shrinking people, decided to have a duel. 32 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:47,220 The match began in the colonial office, continued on a desktop, and ended in a 33 00:02:47,220 --> 00:02:48,220 drawer. 34 00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:54,800 The sketch that follows features Mr. Ronnie Corbett, who gets all his clothes 35 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,320 off the peg by climbing a ladder. 36 00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:00,300 Are you playing golf on Tuesday? 37 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,320 Well, I'm not overly sure, you see, because... 38 00:03:03,530 --> 00:03:06,910 Hello, Roger. How nice to see you. Hello, James. 39 00:03:07,530 --> 00:03:11,550 Long time no see. I don't think you've met the little woman, have you? 40 00:03:11,950 --> 00:03:13,190 Antonia, this is Roger. 41 00:03:13,450 --> 00:03:14,810 Oh, how do you do? 42 00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,130 Keep your hands to yourself. 43 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:29,500 I was only going to shake hands with her, huh? 44 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,660 Yes, yes, of course you were. I'm awfully sorry. Yes, what are you 45 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:36,340 What are you drinking? I have a scotch. A large scotch, please, barman. Yes, I'm 46 00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:39,040 sorry. Take no notice of me. Go on, shake hands with her. Shake hands. Oh, 47 00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:41,520 right. Thank you very much. How do you do? How do you do? 48 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,460 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just couldn't help that. 49 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:49,880 I'm sorry. 50 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:54,680 I was only trying to be polite. I know you were. You see, I just get so 51 00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:58,420 I get so infernally jealous. You see, anyway, never mind. You've got your 52 00:03:58,440 --> 00:03:59,680 Let bygones be has -beens, eh? 53 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:01,680 Cheers. Cheers. 54 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:02,760 Cheers. 55 00:04:03,220 --> 00:04:08,760 You two haven't met before, have you? No, I don't think I've had the pleasure. 56 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,860 Pleasure? What do you mean, pleasure? 57 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:15,600 I was only meaning I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Antonia. Oh, I see, 58 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,320 see. No, I've heard a lot about her. What have you heard about her? 59 00:04:18,540 --> 00:04:22,100 What's the dirty gossip, eh? What's the gossip? I've heard that she's very happy 60 00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:25,780 with you, and you're very happy with her, and you're very happy together. 61 00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:29,820 Yes, that's true. Yes, I'm awfully sorry. Oh, you've no idea how jealous he 62 00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:32,500 He won't let another man so much as look at me. 63 00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:34,100 Oh, really? Ah. 64 00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:40,520 What a fascinating fire extinguisher that is. 65 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,820 I'm awfully sorry. This is absolutely inexcusable of me. Have another drink. 66 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:49,020 Same again, Barman, please. I didn't hurt you at all, did I? No, no, I can 67 00:04:49,020 --> 00:04:53,180 feel most of my part. Oh, good, good. Because, you see, I can't bear anyone 68 00:04:53,180 --> 00:04:56,460 admiring her. I mean, although I don't see why they shouldn't admire her. She's 69 00:04:56,460 --> 00:04:58,260 absolutely gorgeous, isn't she? 70 00:04:58,740 --> 00:04:59,740 Absolutely lovely. 71 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:00,840 Oh, 72 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,159 she's ugly. 73 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:05,420 Ugly. Absolutely ugly. 74 00:05:06,020 --> 00:05:07,020 Good heavens. 75 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:12,400 I've seen East German termite manglers who are prettier than you are. How dare 76 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,400 you! 77 00:05:15,420 --> 00:05:16,420 I'm sorry. 78 00:05:16,660 --> 00:05:22,080 I know you didn't mean it. No, I was only saying that so they wouldn't knock 79 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,620 down. Actually, I think you're very lovely. 80 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,440 No, you're average. 81 00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:29,659 You're average. 82 00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:31,080 Very, very average. 83 00:05:31,930 --> 00:05:35,010 I've never seen anyone who looks more average. Look, this is ridiculous. 84 00:05:35,230 --> 00:05:38,790 We're grown people here behaving like children. Now, come along. Let's pull 85 00:05:38,790 --> 00:05:42,110 ourselves together and bury the hatchet. Come on, you two. Kiss and make up. 86 00:05:42,130 --> 00:05:43,130 Come on. 87 00:05:43,370 --> 00:05:45,230 Well, I'd love to. In theory. 88 00:05:45,790 --> 00:05:51,610 Only if you promise, on your honour, on Scouts' honour, not to knock me down. 89 00:05:51,690 --> 00:05:54,270 Oh, I do. I promise. I promise. Absolutely. Scouts' honour. Up the 90 00:05:58,350 --> 00:06:00,910 I've got to tell you, I was thrown out of the Scouts for breaking my promises. 91 00:06:01,210 --> 00:06:03,330 I'm awfully sorry. Hello, James. How are you? Oh, hello. 92 00:06:03,710 --> 00:06:04,710 Hello, beautiful. 93 00:06:05,410 --> 00:06:08,090 Say, how about having a drink with me for a change in the next bar? 94 00:06:08,310 --> 00:06:09,310 I'd love to. 95 00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:11,850 Excuse us. Yes, sir. Forgive me, James. Yes, by my ears. 96 00:06:12,490 --> 00:06:16,390 What about him, eh? No jealousy there, eh? He's too big, isn't he? You let him 97 00:06:16,390 --> 00:06:18,990 come and take her away from you? Well, why shouldn't he? He's her husband. 98 00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:20,250 Oh! 99 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:46,480 you will need wood, nail, a hammer, not too 100 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:50,140 large, but large enough to handle easily. 101 00:06:50,580 --> 00:06:53,360 Something a little under three pounds is ideal. 102 00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:59,200 A sheet of glass is also needed, but not until later. 103 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:07,560 Finally, the most important thing, a good strong bench to work on. 104 00:07:09,390 --> 00:07:12,330 A good strong bench to work on. 105 00:07:14,310 --> 00:07:16,170 And now we are ready to begin. 106 00:07:16,710 --> 00:07:17,710 First, the frame. 107 00:07:18,110 --> 00:07:21,070 Lay out the sides of the hut on the ground in a square. 108 00:07:30,990 --> 00:07:36,070 Next, nail the planks of timber across them. This can be done quite quickly. 109 00:07:56,040 --> 00:08:00,920 Having made the sides, we begin to assemble the ship, using the hammer to 110 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:01,940 that it is secure. 111 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:26,020 Now it's time for the window. Unless, of course, we decide to fix the door 112 00:08:26,020 --> 00:08:27,020 first. 113 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,960 The window is usually fitted first. 114 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,380 But on the other hand, the door is easier. 115 00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:39,419 It's really a matter for you to decide for yourself. 116 00:08:41,159 --> 00:08:43,220 Let's say we fit the door first. 117 00:08:50,990 --> 00:08:55,730 Good quality hinges should be selected and screwed firmly into place along one 118 00:08:55,730 --> 00:08:56,730 edge. 119 00:09:02,950 --> 00:09:05,110 This hand edge is preferable. 120 00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:10,990 Now we move on to the roof. 121 00:09:15,230 --> 00:09:17,250 Which should be felt all over. 122 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:32,380 angled sharply to discourage birds from settling on him. 123 00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:45,460 And finally, all we 124 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,460 need is a window. 125 00:10:01,390 --> 00:10:05,110 Your shed is now complete, and if properly looked after, should give 126 00:10:05,110 --> 00:10:07,070 service for many years to come. 127 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:14,360 Good morning, sir. 128 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:16,600 Depends on you, don't it, eh? 129 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,140 Depends on you, whether you're wise, whether you're going to get yourself 130 00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:23,440 protection cover, you know what I mean, Jack? 131 00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:26,160 Go on, op it, you soppy little sissy. 132 00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:31,680 Very funny man or so, you know what I mean? 133 00:13:34,460 --> 00:13:36,880 Some very hard nuts about you, you know what I mean, Jack? 134 00:13:37,220 --> 00:13:39,200 Go on, get out of my shop, you screaming little Nancy. 135 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,440 Slip us one of your weeds, there's a good boy. Beat it, Juliana. 136 00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,960 Going to cost you a grand a month, all right. 137 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,540 250 quid a week and the first instalment's due today, otherwise I 138 00:14:04,540 --> 00:14:05,399 little bit of bother. 139 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,000 A little bit of agri, you know what I mean? 140 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:11,000 My message coming through to you, Jack. I'll come through to you and meet your 141 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,000 little pansy of it. 142 00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:18,700 500 quid a month. 143 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:21,880 Got to be sensible, are you? 144 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:53,680 your mother so, you know what I mean? 145 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:56,280 I bet you can, Snow White. 146 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,920 Why don't you trip off and run yourself up a nice little frock, eh? 147 00:15:03,940 --> 00:15:05,560 Now look, I will. 148 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,980 I'm not going to be unreasonable, you know what I mean? 149 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:13,740 100 quid a month, all right. 150 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:15,700 25 quid a week, all right. 151 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:20,300 Otherwise, you might very probably lose some of your best customers. 152 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:21,399 Do you understand? 153 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,440 Eh? Be told, Jack. Just remember that. Be told. 154 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,180 Don't say you wasn't warned. You know what I mean? 155 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,740 Must be safer places to do your shopping than this, Grandma. 156 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,440 Fuzz off, you little puff. 157 00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:45,140 Five for a week? 158 00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:48,580 Get knotted, you fairy. 159 00:15:52,330 --> 00:15:53,330 Could I have a box of matches, please? 160 00:15:56,530 --> 00:15:57,550 Two pence, please. 161 00:15:58,710 --> 00:15:59,710 Try and get it. 162 00:16:11,550 --> 00:16:14,050 Morgie, I have come back. 163 00:16:15,230 --> 00:16:16,230 Madeline. 164 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:24,100 I did not mean to. I told myself I should not, and yet I could not bear it 165 00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:29,580 longer, being away from this house, from all the little things that mean so much 166 00:16:29,580 --> 00:16:32,440 to me in the three short months since we first met. 167 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:39,800 I said some very bitter things to you, I know, that might require it. 168 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:41,920 Please forgive me. 169 00:16:42,890 --> 00:16:47,310 I want to look after you, to cook for you, to sew for you, to clean the house 170 00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,990 for you, to do the dishes for you. 171 00:16:49,190 --> 00:16:50,370 I want to. 172 00:16:50,770 --> 00:16:54,710 Oh, please, please take me back. Please. 173 00:16:55,830 --> 00:16:59,970 But of course, Madeline. Since you're dawning, the old pear girl's come back. 174 00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:54,100 Lovely day. 175 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:55,280 Yes. 176 00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:06,840 I see Consolidated Steel is up three points. 177 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:08,780 Really? Yes. 178 00:18:11,140 --> 00:18:12,800 You've been hanging there long, have you? 179 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:15,720 No, just two or three minutes, I suppose. 180 00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:17,100 Yes. 181 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:19,060 Do this sort of thing often, do you? 182 00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:21,160 No, this is the first time, actually. 183 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,370 Ah. I prefer golf myself. 184 00:18:24,630 --> 00:18:25,630 It's not a hobby. 185 00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:26,389 Oh, isn't it? 186 00:18:26,390 --> 00:18:27,950 No, I fell from the window above. 187 00:18:28,390 --> 00:18:29,129 Oh, I see. 188 00:18:29,130 --> 00:18:33,350 Yes, I was just leaning out, admiring my window box up there, when my secretary, 189 00:18:33,550 --> 00:18:36,270 quite unbeknownst to me, came up behind me. Oh. 190 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:37,530 She ought to have known better. 191 00:18:38,190 --> 00:18:40,890 She came to me with five A -levels and a lisp. 192 00:18:42,650 --> 00:18:46,270 You're jolly lucky to have a secretary who gets here on time. Mine's always 193 00:18:46,270 --> 00:18:47,049 well late. 194 00:18:47,050 --> 00:18:50,090 Yes, I suppose I am, really. In fact, you're jolly lucky to have called her... 195 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,840 of that railing as you whistled past from the top there, aren't you? 196 00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:56,140 Yes. All in all, it's been a pretty lucky morning for you so far. 197 00:18:57,260 --> 00:18:59,420 That's true, yes. Yes, well, that's life, I suppose. 198 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:03,760 Well, I can't stand here talking all day. I've got a lot to do. Nice to have 199 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:04,760 a little chat with you, though. 200 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,320 Jose? 201 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,020 Yes? Do you mind if I come in? I don't want to make a nuisance of myself. 202 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,760 Have you got an appointment? 203 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:19,240 No, no, I haven't. Oh, I'm sorry. Nobody gets in here without an appointment. 204 00:19:20,530 --> 00:19:21,550 Couldn't you make an exception? 205 00:19:21,790 --> 00:19:24,890 Oh, no, no. If I make an exception with you, they'll all be in here willy 206 00:19:24,890 --> 00:19:27,730 -nilly. Before you know where you are, the place will be like Euston Station. 207 00:19:28,770 --> 00:19:29,890 I wouldn't tell anybody. 208 00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:33,790 Oh, you wouldn't have to. You wouldn't have to. It'll get around, all right. 209 00:19:33,830 --> 00:19:36,510 I have to be very careful. After all, I am the managing director. 210 00:19:37,090 --> 00:19:38,730 I know. I work for you in accounts. 211 00:19:39,930 --> 00:19:40,930 Aykroyd, N .G. 212 00:19:41,050 --> 00:19:43,290 Oh, yes. Yes, I thought I knew your face, yes. 213 00:19:43,830 --> 00:19:46,370 Worked for me long, have you? Well, about five years, actually. 214 00:19:46,570 --> 00:19:48,610 Hmm. I don't think I'll be with you much longer. 215 00:19:51,110 --> 00:19:52,850 I shouldn't feel too badly about it. 216 00:19:53,090 --> 00:19:54,710 Accounts are very overstaffed, anyway. 217 00:19:55,690 --> 00:19:58,630 Yes, but I don't suppose I'd be able to give you the one -month statutory 218 00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:02,590 notice. Oh, don't worry about that, old chap. I mean, I'm not a machine, am I? 219 00:20:03,690 --> 00:20:06,690 Underneath this rough exterior beats a heart of pure granite. 220 00:20:07,870 --> 00:20:13,510 I suppose your insurance contributions and the pensions fund are all paid up, 221 00:20:13,510 --> 00:20:14,510 are they? Yes, that's true. 222 00:20:14,690 --> 00:20:15,690 Oh, good. 223 00:20:15,930 --> 00:20:18,650 I should imagine you've got a spot of leave coming to you, haven't you? 224 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,800 Yes, but I don't suppose I'll be able to use it. 225 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,000 No, no. 226 00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:24,160 Oh, well, I'll say bon voyage, then. 227 00:20:24,420 --> 00:20:26,320 I say, there's just one thing. 228 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,460 Yes? It's about the office party. 229 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:32,000 I wonder if you'd speak to Miss Johnson and tell her I shan't be able to make 230 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,880 it. Oh, of course. I hope you didn't mind my asking you. Not at all, no. I 231 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:39,260 if we're not put in this world to help people, who are we put in this world to 232 00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:40,260 help? What? 233 00:20:54,540 --> 00:20:55,540 Hello, Miss Johnson. 234 00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:03,220 It's about Aykroyd in accounts. 235 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,740 I'm afraid he won't be able to come to the office party. 236 00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:07,420 No, he's had to drop out. 237 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,600 Welcome, please, the new speaker. 238 00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:37,260 Thank you. 239 00:21:54,570 --> 00:22:01,070 It's really not so hard Just think about it If you just think about 240 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:07,510 it Imagine that the world outside is your home You know the whole 241 00:22:07,510 --> 00:22:13,550 world is your home Then you'll be the very first to shout it 242 00:22:13,550 --> 00:22:18,250 Treat the country like 243 00:24:27,310 --> 00:24:29,990 I had stormed out of the room to fetch my birth certificate. 244 00:24:34,370 --> 00:24:37,890 Actually, I never did find it. I'll be honest with you. When I asked my mother, 245 00:24:37,950 --> 00:24:40,930 she confessed that when I was a baby, I was so ugly. 246 00:24:41,770 --> 00:24:43,070 Now, I know that's hard to believe. 247 00:24:44,770 --> 00:24:49,450 You'll say, oh, never, never. I was so ugly. I was so ugly that I never had a 248 00:24:49,450 --> 00:24:50,450 birth certificate. 249 00:24:50,570 --> 00:24:51,570 I had an invoice. 250 00:24:53,790 --> 00:24:58,570 And she told me a little story about one. When she took me on a bus, the 251 00:24:58,570 --> 00:25:01,310 conductor came along, you know, for the fares, and he looked at me and he said 252 00:25:01,310 --> 00:25:05,130 to my mother, Mrs., he said, that's the ugliest child you said I've ever seen. 253 00:25:05,690 --> 00:25:09,410 He said, a joke is a joke, but that child, he said, is frightening. 254 00:25:10,310 --> 00:25:14,970 She got rather upset, you see, and started having a few tears. So she said, 255 00:25:14,970 --> 00:25:15,970 the bus, I want to get off. 256 00:25:16,250 --> 00:25:17,590 And the conductor said, with pleasure. 257 00:25:18,010 --> 00:25:22,190 And she got off, and she takes a seat on this little seat, naturally, which is 258 00:25:22,190 --> 00:25:23,190 the best place to take a seat. 259 00:25:23,430 --> 00:25:26,090 Outside a public house, still crying. 260 00:25:29,260 --> 00:25:33,720 With me in there, I was like... You should see them all here, all 261 00:25:34,860 --> 00:25:38,260 She's still sitting there a few minutes, a few minutes, and she's making so much 262 00:25:38,260 --> 00:25:40,720 noise that a man comes out of the pub and he says to her, what's the matter? 263 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,020 Well, see, she's so upset that she can't speak. 264 00:25:43,420 --> 00:25:46,200 So he says, stay there and I'll get you a drop of something to cheer you up a 265 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:49,000 bit, you see? So he goes back into the pub and he comes out and he said, here 266 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:53,340 you are, miss, he said, I've got you a nice brandy and some nuts for the 267 00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:08,680 You see, as a child, I led a very, very sheltered life. But I was fortunate that 268 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:12,580 the first school I ever went to was a pretty soft school, you know, for pretty 269 00:26:12,580 --> 00:26:13,580 soft kids. 270 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:21,160 Good heavens, at St. Pansy's Primary, you could have a reign of terror with a 271 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:22,160 balloon on a stick. 272 00:26:23,300 --> 00:26:25,940 Well, we were paying protection money to the brownies. 273 00:26:27,740 --> 00:26:31,060 I've got a picture at home of us all sitting there like this, you know. 274 00:26:31,630 --> 00:26:33,950 when I was the captain of the school embroidery team. 275 00:26:36,170 --> 00:26:40,030 We were so sensitive, we were so sensitive, you know, that when the 276 00:26:40,030 --> 00:26:44,190 said, ding -dong -dell, the pussy's down the well, six of us fainted. 277 00:26:45,810 --> 00:26:50,230 I remember that the worst thing that could happen to you at St Pansy's was to 278 00:26:50,230 --> 00:26:54,190 selected from the school football team, you know. On a good day, we used to lose 279 00:26:54,190 --> 00:26:55,210 about 100 to nil. 280 00:26:56,019 --> 00:26:59,400 The forwards always used to play a system, the forwards, they'd always used 281 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:02,160 play a system that if you didn't go near the ball, you couldn't get hurt. 282 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:07,620 And our goalkeeper never had a chance, never had a chance. He could only ever 283 00:27:07,620 --> 00:27:10,520 get one hand to the ball, you see, because his mother would be holding the 284 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:11,520 one. 285 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:17,820 Now, the last game I ever played in was against a local team, St Margaret's. My, 286 00:27:17,980 --> 00:27:18,980 they were big girls. 287 00:27:19,659 --> 00:27:23,040 I think some of them had never seen a boy before, and when they ran onto the 288 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:25,980 field and caught our winger and tried to take him to pieces to see how he 289 00:27:25,980 --> 00:27:29,500 worked, poor Larry Grayson's never got over it. 290 00:27:32,740 --> 00:27:37,320 Anyway, that really has nothing to do with what I was going to tell you about. 291 00:27:37,420 --> 00:27:42,220 What I was going to say was that while me and the au pair were up in the attic 292 00:27:42,220 --> 00:27:45,700 looking through these old papers, you know, the au pair came across. 293 00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:52,600 That's rather an unfortunate phrase. She came over. She had found the old 294 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:57,760 invitation, an old invitation to an old boy's annual reunion at my old school, 295 00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,600 my senior school, the old Martin Borman Comprehensive. 296 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:05,400 Now, that was one of the most exciting evenings I can ever remember. 297 00:28:05,660 --> 00:28:10,180 It all started very formally, all very formally. We all sang the school song, 298 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:11,600 Lily of Laguna. 299 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:16,200 And then the headmaster led us into three cheers for penicillin. 300 00:28:18,090 --> 00:28:24,230 And one thing I shall always remember about Dr. Rackman was that if he thought 301 00:28:24,230 --> 00:28:28,110 one of his pupils was emotionally disturbed, he used to sit the lad down 302 00:28:28,110 --> 00:28:33,210 study and get down a great volume entitled Child Psychology and hit him on 303 00:28:33,210 --> 00:28:34,210 head with it. 304 00:28:34,790 --> 00:28:38,770 You could always tell the emotionally disturbed kids they had shorter necks 305 00:28:38,770 --> 00:28:39,770 the others. 306 00:28:40,890 --> 00:28:46,590 Anyway, this is what I was coming up to. It was at the reception of. 307 00:28:46,830 --> 00:28:49,350 that I met this fantastic girl. 308 00:28:49,930 --> 00:28:52,130 Beautiful face, fantastic figure. 309 00:28:52,390 --> 00:28:53,970 I said, can I buy you a drink? 310 00:28:54,170 --> 00:28:56,210 She said, no, thank you. I don't drink. 311 00:28:56,730 --> 00:28:57,730 I said, smoke? 312 00:28:57,850 --> 00:28:59,630 She said, no, thank you. I don't. 313 00:28:59,870 --> 00:29:02,250 I said, can I take you home? She said, yes, please. 314 00:29:02,590 --> 00:29:06,550 So we get to a house about ten minutes later and we're standing in the doorway. 315 00:29:06,710 --> 00:29:12,050 I said, you are the most wonderful girl I've ever met. You don't drink or smoke. 316 00:29:12,370 --> 00:29:15,590 You're beautiful, wonderful sense of humor, intelligent. 317 00:29:16,250 --> 00:29:20,670 She said to me, yes, she said, I am also very passionate, she said. 318 00:29:21,730 --> 00:29:25,010 Would you like to come in? 319 00:29:25,450 --> 00:29:30,630 Well, she opened the front door and there, lying in the hall, was a dead 320 00:29:36,870 --> 00:29:38,210 I said, what's that? 321 00:29:38,770 --> 00:29:41,050 She said, I never said I was tidy, did I? 322 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:02,200 Is your bag it, sir? 323 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:03,640 Ah, yes, yes. 324 00:30:03,780 --> 00:30:04,800 Anything to declare? 325 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:06,860 No. Any watches? 326 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:08,480 No, no, no, no watches. 327 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:09,760 What, sir? 328 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:12,960 Thank you. 329 00:30:13,660 --> 00:30:14,660 Please yourself. 330 00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:17,120 Now, have you made any of the following purchases abroad? 331 00:30:18,140 --> 00:30:19,500 Open -toed wading boots? 332 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:22,680 No. Musical trusses? 333 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,060 Nude photographs of Reginald Bozenkic? 334 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:29,720 Gas -operated pastic polishes? 335 00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:31,800 Here's your whiskey records. 336 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:33,700 Individuals tend to pot pies. 337 00:30:35,380 --> 00:30:37,360 Comments of the Marquis de Sade book of party games. 338 00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:41,200 Watches. No, no, I haven't got anything like that. 339 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:42,740 Really? What have you got in there? 340 00:30:43,420 --> 00:30:45,220 In the trunk? In the trunk, sir. 341 00:30:46,460 --> 00:30:47,700 What have you got in there? Crumpets. 342 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:49,100 Crumpets? Crumpets. 343 00:30:49,420 --> 00:30:50,480 It's full of crumpets. 344 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,420 Hundreds and hundreds of crumpets. That's what's in there. 345 00:30:53,700 --> 00:30:54,700 Crumpets. 346 00:30:55,860 --> 00:30:57,360 Why have you got a trunk full of crumpets? 347 00:30:58,720 --> 00:30:59,780 Because I crumpet mad. 348 00:31:02,550 --> 00:31:04,310 That's a bit too glib for my liking, sir. 349 00:31:06,150 --> 00:31:07,150 The key, please. 350 00:31:08,690 --> 00:31:09,690 Is that the right key? 351 00:31:09,770 --> 00:31:10,770 The right key, yes. 352 00:31:15,490 --> 00:31:16,490 Hello? 353 00:31:17,110 --> 00:31:18,990 I thought you said you didn't have any watches, sir? 354 00:31:19,770 --> 00:31:20,770 What's that? 355 00:31:51,660 --> 00:31:55,900 My dear Aunt Augusta, here I am once again in Oxford. 356 00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:01,760 That city of dreaming spires and lost causes, nestling as it does under the 357 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:05,700 protective wing of the Don and the Dean, and the ones in between. 358 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:08,900 There's too many of those about the place. 359 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:14,360 I thought you might like a letter from the dear old city, especially since it 360 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:17,800 written in the fair hand of your loving nephew, Jason King. 361 00:32:24,940 --> 00:32:29,520 I am up here to be made an honorary doctor of philosophy for my services to 362 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:32,980 mankind, and more especially, womankind. 363 00:32:36,540 --> 00:32:40,300 I've recently met a charming girl called Angela Fitz Upton. 364 00:32:40,860 --> 00:32:42,460 I know her father. 365 00:32:43,620 --> 00:32:47,420 I've taken her on the river and generally seen quite a lot of her. 366 00:32:49,610 --> 00:32:55,010 She has 9 O levels, 5 A levels, and is interesting on several other levels as 367 00:32:55,010 --> 00:32:56,010 well. 368 00:32:56,050 --> 00:33:00,430 My curiosity was really aroused, however, when she told me that she was a 369 00:33:00,430 --> 00:33:01,430 vaulter. 370 00:33:01,730 --> 00:33:05,250 She certainly knows how to handle a punt pole. 371 00:33:11,290 --> 00:33:17,010 Yes, I have to report that dear old Oxford remains a haven of peace in the 372 00:33:17,010 --> 00:33:18,010 of a troubled society. 373 00:33:19,850 --> 00:33:22,770 It's even time for an afternoon snooze. 374 00:33:38,690 --> 00:33:40,250 How ghastly. 375 00:33:40,790 --> 00:33:42,950 You're wearing the same shoes. 376 00:34:13,190 --> 00:34:17,409 You are the famous literary giant and detective story writer, Miss 377 00:34:17,810 --> 00:34:20,409 I must say, you make delicious fruitcake. 378 00:34:20,810 --> 00:34:23,969 In fact, all round, you're rather an accomplished woman. 379 00:34:24,770 --> 00:34:27,570 Never mind my accomplishments, Mr. King. What about the body? 380 00:34:28,830 --> 00:34:31,210 Well, I must say, there's room for a little improvement there. 381 00:34:32,590 --> 00:34:36,190 Not my body, Mr. King. I'm talking about the body of the young man that was 382 00:34:36,190 --> 00:34:39,030 found floating in the river. In the punt on the river? Well, it's the same 383 00:34:39,030 --> 00:34:40,670 thing. It isn't? You try it. 384 00:34:42,030 --> 00:34:45,969 The point is, what did you find out about him? Well, according to the local 385 00:34:45,969 --> 00:34:51,010 people at the cop shop, they tell me that he was a very brilliant young don 386 00:34:51,010 --> 00:34:53,110 named Alistair Tyson. 387 00:34:53,590 --> 00:34:54,590 Young Tyson. 388 00:34:54,690 --> 00:34:56,630 Golly Moses, I knew him. 389 00:34:57,090 --> 00:34:58,230 Was he murdered? 390 00:34:58,930 --> 00:35:02,670 Before I answer that question, may I make an impertinent suggestion? 391 00:35:03,070 --> 00:35:03,968 I'm all ears. 392 00:35:03,970 --> 00:35:04,970 No, that wasn't it. 393 00:35:06,230 --> 00:35:09,990 It's just that the police have asked me... Only to discuss this with most 394 00:35:09,990 --> 00:35:10,908 reliable people. 395 00:35:10,910 --> 00:35:14,010 Now, you won't let it go any further, will you, either of you, even under 396 00:35:14,010 --> 00:35:16,710 pressure? Oh, don't worry. I can be as tough as the next man. 397 00:35:17,390 --> 00:35:18,510 More so, I should wonder. 398 00:35:19,410 --> 00:35:21,350 You don't have to worry your little head about me. 399 00:35:21,650 --> 00:35:24,250 So it seems you've got your hand on Angela's knee. 400 00:35:24,570 --> 00:35:27,410 And I'm quite sure Angela won't let it go any further, will you, my dear? 401 00:35:27,650 --> 00:35:28,910 I'm damn sure she won't. 402 00:35:29,470 --> 00:35:33,650 But I shall tell you, yes, he was murdered, poisoned with deadly 403 00:35:34,230 --> 00:35:36,450 God, Professor Hacks! 404 00:35:36,910 --> 00:35:39,810 Who? Professor Robotany, S -A -X. 405 00:35:40,050 --> 00:35:41,130 Could it be, I wonder? 406 00:35:41,730 --> 00:35:44,750 I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're driving at. I know that he once 407 00:35:44,750 --> 00:35:47,750 threatened to kill young Titan at a party. The Professor, you see, was a 408 00:35:47,750 --> 00:35:51,610 amateur conjurer. And he had this wonderfully glamorous assistant called 409 00:35:51,610 --> 00:35:56,050 Juanita. They used to perform together at parties. I bet you enjoyed that. 410 00:35:56,870 --> 00:36:00,590 Yes, it was marvellous. She was such an attractive girl. They did wonderful 411 00:36:00,590 --> 00:36:03,470 tricks. They used to saw each other in half, you know. Oh, yes. 412 00:36:03,730 --> 00:36:06,590 And then, quite suddenly, she disappeared. 413 00:36:07,330 --> 00:36:09,050 followed quite closely by him. 414 00:36:09,350 --> 00:36:11,210 Really? I've never seen that done before. 415 00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:16,010 That must have gone down well with the audience. It wasn't a trick. It wasn't a 416 00:36:16,010 --> 00:36:18,150 trick. I mean, they disappeared from Oxford. 417 00:36:18,450 --> 00:36:23,450 No one saw them again, either of them. But I do know that young Tyson was 418 00:36:23,450 --> 00:36:27,550 amorous advances to the glamorous young Juanita, and the professor didn't like 419 00:36:27,550 --> 00:36:28,468 it one little bit. 420 00:36:28,470 --> 00:36:31,390 Then I would say Sax is our man. 421 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,820 Re -emerge from retirement to perform one final trick. Well, if he is back, 422 00:36:35,820 --> 00:36:38,400 someone must have seen him. I mean, he's terribly well known in Oxford. 423 00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:39,960 Ask anyone. 424 00:36:40,100 --> 00:36:42,880 That, my dear lady, is precisely what I intend to do. 425 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:44,200 Ask everyone. 426 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:45,580 I don't follow you. 427 00:36:45,780 --> 00:36:47,040 No, and I'd rather you didn't. 428 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:49,960 I think I speak for Angela as well. 429 00:36:50,740 --> 00:36:53,100 We shall carry out the survey. 430 00:36:57,740 --> 00:37:00,560 I'm looking for someone who knows something about sex. 431 00:37:04,590 --> 00:37:07,630 I wonder if you can help me. I'm looking for sex. 432 00:37:10,670 --> 00:37:14,670 I'm so 433 00:37:14,670 --> 00:37:29,050 glad 434 00:37:29,050 --> 00:37:30,590 we chose to eat here, you know. 435 00:37:31,660 --> 00:37:33,980 I've got an enormous penchant for this sort of thing. 436 00:37:34,220 --> 00:37:36,760 I know, you just dropped fried rice down it. 437 00:37:38,020 --> 00:37:41,500 I must say, you know, that my studies last night did prove to be rather more 438 00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:42,500 worthwhile than I thought. 439 00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:43,740 Studies? What form of studies? 440 00:37:44,460 --> 00:37:48,080 History, geography, and furniture removal. 441 00:37:48,620 --> 00:37:52,120 Furniture removal isn't a study. Oh, but it is, and a very fascinating one. 442 00:37:52,340 --> 00:37:57,960 A chap from Pickford informed me that no furniture had been either moved in or 443 00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:00,420 out of a certain flat for some 30 years. 444 00:38:01,029 --> 00:38:05,170 History led me to an estate agent who furnished me with the information that a 445 00:38:05,170 --> 00:38:10,570 certain flat had been, and still was, owned by a certain Professor Sachs. It 446 00:38:10,570 --> 00:38:12,010 adds up to something rather fishy. 447 00:38:12,590 --> 00:38:13,590 It's codfish. 448 00:38:13,750 --> 00:38:19,110 No, it isn't codfish. Look, I... I think you're to keep your nose out of other 449 00:38:19,110 --> 00:38:20,110 people's stories. 450 00:38:21,450 --> 00:38:22,890 Damn impertinence. 451 00:38:23,190 --> 00:38:27,090 My club's full of people like him. Yeah? Which club is that? The Chinese Waiters 452 00:38:27,090 --> 00:38:28,090 Club, do you know? 453 00:38:31,470 --> 00:38:34,410 It did not take me long to locate the address. 454 00:38:34,950 --> 00:38:38,470 49 Wilson Street. Your address, Professor Sachs. 455 00:38:38,790 --> 00:38:41,490 Don't move, we've got you covered with a gun strapped to Angela's thigh. 456 00:38:43,890 --> 00:38:47,370 All that talk about the attractive one -eater and the fact that you've been 457 00:38:47,370 --> 00:38:51,590 ogling Angela all this time. No wonder you're attracted to women. You're a man. 458 00:38:52,030 --> 00:38:56,470 Damn you, King. I have a number of questions I want to ask you. Then I'm 459 00:38:56,470 --> 00:39:00,650 they'll have to wait. Don't try and stop me leaving, Mr. King. I have two bullet 460 00:39:00,650 --> 00:39:03,890 -firing revolver mechanisms fitted into the cups of my false bra. 461 00:39:05,290 --> 00:39:07,670 You've got a couple of .38s pointing right at you. 462 00:39:10,810 --> 00:39:15,030 It won't work. I took the precaution of frisking you as I removed your cloak at 463 00:39:15,030 --> 00:39:15,788 the entrance. 464 00:39:15,790 --> 00:39:16,790 I felt nothing. 465 00:39:17,070 --> 00:39:18,070 Neither did I. 466 00:39:19,150 --> 00:39:20,930 Apart from a cherry wood pipe. 467 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:22,360 pocket of your bloomers. 468 00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:27,780 Still leaves the pistol stuck to Angela's thigh. Now it's my turn to call 469 00:39:27,780 --> 00:39:28,638 bluff, King. 470 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:32,120 Oh, yes? What do you mean by thing that? I've had my hand on her thigh all 471 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,120 through dinner. 472 00:39:34,140 --> 00:39:35,680 Angela, you turncoat. 473 00:41:15,850 --> 00:41:20,590 My dear Aunt Augusta, the sequel to my last letter has yet to emerge. 474 00:41:21,150 --> 00:41:22,930 The professor hasn't been found. 475 00:41:23,450 --> 00:41:27,370 Perhaps he made off into the bushes, or perhaps the Chinese meal weighed a 476 00:41:27,370 --> 00:41:28,550 little too heavily on him. 477 00:41:29,870 --> 00:41:32,810 In any event, I'm still enjoying my stay here at Oxford. 478 00:41:33,490 --> 00:41:38,130 I've ditched that terrible girl, Angela, as she didn't seem to know whose side 479 00:41:38,130 --> 00:41:39,130 she was on. 480 00:41:39,950 --> 00:41:43,350 Are you sure it was her father you knew, and not her mother? 481 00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:50,240 This new girl is much more me, except that she expects me to do all the work. 482 00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:58,480 She's also six foot tall, which means that I shall be kept very much on my 483 00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:36,060 that's all for this week. Next week, we'll be reviewing three fascinating sex 484 00:42:36,060 --> 00:42:40,040 books from India, the Karma Sutra, the More Excited Sutra, and the Absolutely 485 00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:41,040 Frantic Sutra. 486 00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:49,020 After that, a man from Uddersfield will be giving a talk on udders, a 487 00:42:49,020 --> 00:42:54,780 man from Leghorn will talk about legs, a man from Wigan about wigs, and a lady 488 00:42:54,780 --> 00:42:56,580 from Titfield will show us her lanterns. 489 00:43:08,300 --> 00:43:12,400 The government announced today that in future, all words spoken on television 490 00:43:12,400 --> 00:43:13,960 will be subject to VAT. 491 00:43:14,780 --> 00:43:17,680 This means that a lot of words will have to be 10 % shorter. 492 00:43:18,500 --> 00:43:19,980 Now, here is tomorrow's news. 493 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:27,900 Hermadge the Quay and the Blackaday are to fly to Frank tomorrow to visit Press 494 00:43:27,900 --> 00:43:31,080 Pomp and his wife, Mad Pomp. 495 00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:42,220 Meanwhile, at Cow, In the Isle of Wig, the cow -yack race was won 496 00:43:42,220 --> 00:43:43,600 by the prim mini Mr. Heat. 497 00:43:47,620 --> 00:43:50,220 And at Westminster, Mr. 498 00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:57,340 Eno Poe left the hoe of par, saying he couldn't stay for an all 499 00:43:57,340 --> 00:43:58,340 -nig sitting. 500 00:44:07,180 --> 00:44:09,960 Good night from me and good night from him. Good night.